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Reason For the Season, UC, R

 
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Parrish122

 


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Post subject: Reason For the Season, UC, R Reply with quote
"What a nice Christmas surprise Yulia did for you!" Becky said as they sat down in a pew. "Taking part in a church play! Lena, I just never would have expected it of her."

"It's a surprise, all right." Their friend Allison agreed dryly, fiddling with the video camera Yulia had handed her.

"It's very nice of her." Lena said, ignoring her friend's tone. Before Allison could comment further, the lights went down and the front curtains opened. Several people clapped, and flashbulbs went off all over the church.

"Hold on...they are all kids." Allison said, staring. "Doing the nativity scene."

"Everyone isn't there yet. The wise men haven't shown up. Maybe Yulia is one of them." Becky suggested.

"If Yulia can pull off being wise, she's a better actress than I ever dreamed." Allison muttered, dutifully filming the play. "Now if she turns out to be one of the jackasses on stage, I'd say that's perfect casting."

Several parents in the pews ahead of them shushed her.

"I am wondering where Yulia will fit into all this." Lena murmured to herself.

"Maybe we misunderstood her. Maybe she isn't *in* the play, but directed the play." Becky said.

"Oh please." Allison said, rolling her eyes. "I was having a hard enough time believing that Yulia could walk into a church without God throwing a lightning bolt up her ass. But working with kids? Don't you remember the time we were watching tv and that ad came on for the photography studio? The one that said, "Let your children light up the room"? And Yulia said, "Yeah, by dousing them in gasoline and throwing a lit match at them."?"

Lena sighed and said, "She *was* kidding, you know."

"I wonder where Erica is." Becky remarked, looking around the room.

"Wait...why would Erica be here?" Lena asked, looking concerned.

"Well.....she was the one who picked Yulia up to take her to the church." Becky replied. "She showed up while you were still in the shower."

Lena groaned. "Oh Lord....we're doomed. It's possible that Yulia alone wouldn't get into trouble. But Yulia and Erica together?"

"She was just giving her a ride. I'm sure you are overreact..." Becky trailed off and cocked her head to listen.

"HELP!"

"Wait.....I know that voice." Lena said, looking around wildly. "It's..."

Suddenly the back curtains were flung open. In the exact center of the stage was Yulia Volkova, bound to a cross, wearing nothing but a loincloth and some strategically placed fake blood.

"YULIA!" Lena yelped.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Allison exclaimed.

"I think you are both right." Becky said, staring in disbelief at the scene.

"DAD! DAD, ARE YOU LISTENING?!" Yulia/Jesus screamed at the sky. "I CHANGED MY MIND! I DON'T WANT TO SAVE MANKIND! THESE FUCKERS AREN'T WORTH IT!"

"I'm going to be excommunicated." Lena wailed. "The reverend will be convinced my wife is possessed by Satan, and I will be thrown out of the church! Who would let someone who has sex with Satan go to their church?"

"Mommy, Jesus said a really bad word." A very young child in the pew behind them said.

"It's not really Jesus." Allison called over her shoulder. "It's just a barechested lesbian with a sick sense of humor."

"You're still taping this?" Lena asked, stunned.

"Damn right." Allison said. "I figure this will lead to a lucrative divorce."

"Look!" Becky said, pointing.

An extremely reluctant Lena looked to the stage. Now Erica, dressed as a Roman centurian, had walked on stage. As Yulia/Jesus plead not to be killed, Erica drove her sword into Yulia/Jesus' stomach. Though Lena knew it had to be a trick, she had to admit it looked disturbingly real.

Certainly the children on stage thought it was real. They ran shrieking off the stage. Two startled donkeys ran down the isle. Parents were chasing their children and cursing.

Nobody but Lena and her friends noticed Erica/Roman Centurian getting Yulia/Jesus off the cross. In the pandemonium, the two girls snuck off the stage.

"We have to get out of here." Lena said. "Before the reverend finds me."

"Would that be the man in black, standing right behind us?" Becky asked.

Lena closed her eyes a moment in silent prayer. Then she gulped and turned around.

"Merry Christmas, Reverend Scroggins." Lena said sweetly.

"Merry Christmas, Ms Katina." He answered sternly.

"Please don't throw Lena out of church." Becky pled. "It wasn't her fault. And Yulia isn't really possessed. She just acts that way, sometimes."

A slight smile played at the corners of his mouth. "I have no intention of making her leave church."

"Thank you." Lena said, relieved. "And I assure you, I won't let Yulia anywhere near the church again."

"Oh, don't do that." He said, to their surprise. "I rather suspect that getting out of going to church each morning was the whole purpose of this. And I can't think of anyone who needs to go to church more, can you?"

"Well....no." Lena admitted.

"I'll expect to see both of you next Sunday, Lena." He said, smiling.

"You're a brave man, Reverend." Allison said, admiringly.

"Merry Christmas, ladies." He said as he walked off to try and restore order to his church.

"Merry Christmas!" They called back in unison.

****Author's Note*****

Ok, I hope nobody was too offended by this. Smile Merry Christmas, everybody!!
PostFri Dec 25, 2009 1:29 pm
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Ghosty

 

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Well...that was...confusing. Interesting, yet confusing. Did Yulia actually really die? The way you described it, I was thinking maybe she was really being killed. They never really mentioned her after she was taken offstage.

Anyway...interesting. Haha, I can't even think of another word for it. Hmmm laugh
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PostFri Dec 25, 2009 3:53 pm
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Parrish122

 


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Yep, she's alive. That's why it says Erica helped her off the cross, & that the 2 girls snuck off the stage.
PostFri Dec 25, 2009 6:25 pm
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Ghosty

 

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Ah okay. So what gave you the idea for this? ;O
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PostFri Dec 25, 2009 6:42 pm
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Jan1551

 

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That was just so perfectly wrong Parrish. Offensive in a very hilarious way, which means I hearted it greatly. Grin For some reason everytime I saw 'Yulia/Jesus' I busted out laughing. It just sounds so funny in my head. The minister has to be the BRAVEST man on planet earth. I quite enjoy how Yulia's plan totally 100% FAILED. She goes to all that effort to literally offend EVERYONE in the church yet it completely backfires. *LOVES*

Yulia exhibiting Christ-like qualities wrote:
"I CHANGED MY MIND! I DON'T WANT TO SAVE MANKIND! THESE FUCKERS AREN'T WORTH IT!"

*SNORTS LOUDLY* Yulia makes for such a loving Messiah. I really enjoy how you had Yulia/Jesus curse and totally have no interest in helping mankind. And her shirtlessness was another lovely touch. At least she got the attire right. Grin Really just all levels of beautiful.

Fabulous insanity filled Christmas fic Parrish! Thumb
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PostFri Dec 25, 2009 7:17 pm
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blackstormdragon

 

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Quote:
"YULIA!" Lena yelped.
"JESUS CHRIST!" Allison exclaimed.
"I think you are both right."

Lol, I lost it here 'cus I was thinking the same thing XD
Quote:
"I'm going to be excommunicated." Lena wailed. "The reverend will be convinced my wife is possessed by Satan, and I will be thrown out of the church! Who would let someone who has sex with Satan go to their church?"

Haha, love Lena's logic.
Quote:
"It's not really Jesus." Allison called over her shoulder. "It's just a barechested lesbian with a sick sense of humor."
"You're still taping this?" Lena asked, stunned.
"Damn right."

I would have kept taping too. If only a church play was this entertaining.

Love that the reverend wasn't even phased, though the children are probably traumatized.
This was hilarious Grin
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PostFri Dec 25, 2009 7:28 pm
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Parrish122

 


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Ghosty--Two things, actually. I'd seen a headline that told how 2 donkeys escaped from a live nativity scene. It turned out to be misleading, because the donkeys took off *before* they were put in the scene. But it got me to thinking about how those nativity scenes could be disrupted. I'd say this one was reduced to chaos. Grin

The other was that I actually did hear that photography commercial. The "Let your child light the room" bit was said in an excessively cheerful tone, and I imagined Yulia's reply in an equally cheerful manner. Didn't get to horrify anyone with it though, because nobody was in the room at the time with me. Everything else branched out from those two things.

Jan--You totally get it! YAY! The whole point is how Yulia went to INSANE lengths to get out of going to church, and it didn't work. And honestly, if I had a friend that was going to attempt what Yulia/Jesus did (I just had to throw that in one more time) I would think it would work. I would also think that she'd probably lose her girlfriend, however.

The Yuilia/Jesus thing was acutally something I thought would only amuse me, so I'm glad you had the same reaction. And yeah, her calling mankind "fuckers" was one of the highlights for me. I had a feeling you'd approve, it including your favorite word and all. I mean, she went all out---swearing, toplessness, violence....something to offend everyone! At Christmas, no less!

Blackstormdragon--Heh. I'm glad you liked the "I think you are both right" bit. It just seemed natural that someone would exclaim "Jesus Christ".

Lena's babble at that point amused me too. I could hear her, nearly hysterical, wailing that. And you have to admit, she's got a point. LOL.

Don't you just love how Allison tries to reasure the family behind her? Yes, I'm so sure that hearing it's a *barechested lesbian with a sick sense of humor* will make them feel so much better! It's kind of funny that she doesn't seem to approve of Yulia, seeing as how she's such a smart ass!

I'm glad I was able to amuse some of you! Thanks for reading!

Oh, and this wasn't the "special project" I mentioned a while back. This was something that took me all of 20 minutes to do. That's still in the works. It's a *tad* long, and required some research. But I think you'll enjoy it once it's posted.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!
PostSat Dec 26, 2009 12:30 pm
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Lynnie

 

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Oh.... My.... God!

And I thought the lengths I went through to get out of going to church was bad... Yulka took the cake! I wish I had been on last night because my mother would've looked at me as though I were crazy.

Loved Yulia's choices in words when talking to God.

All in all loved the story.

Lynnie

P. S. Update one of your other stories for me, please????
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PostSat Dec 26, 2009 2:32 pm
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KatinasLove

 

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Thought Yulia was really dead at first, then read the part where the girls already took her offstage. Heh, she sure did, in some ways, prove she didn't want to be in church. Can't say I blame her.

Quote:
"Let your children light up the room"? And Yulia said, "Yeah, by dousing them in gasoline and throwing a lit match at them."

Hmmm laugh
Rofl That was too great! Grin

Great UC, Parrish122 Thumb
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PostSat Dec 26, 2009 6:00 pm
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Tess

 

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hahaha that would be the most priceless thing to see! Great humor. Grin
PostSun Dec 27, 2009 1:00 am
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Lady Laviniya

 

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delete

Last edited by Lady Laviniya on Wed Jul 04, 2018 5:30 pm; edited 1 time in total
PostSun Dec 27, 2009 1:22 am
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Nighthawk

 

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I was confused for a minute cuz I ain't used to you doing crazy ass comedy so for a second I was like WHOA but then died laughing and now my ghost is writing this review *nods* true story. Awseoms on so many levels there aren't enough awesome related words to describe. Hilarious to the max!
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PostMon Dec 28, 2009 12:55 am
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Volkster

 

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OK, I know I'm like, a YEAR late for this but it just made my day!!

Quote:
"We have to get out of here." Lena said. "Before the reverend finds me."

"Would that be the man in black, standing right behind us?" Becky asked.


Hahahahaha!!Of course the reverend/devil is behind her!!! Well, devil for Yulia anyway!


Quote:
"You're still taping this?" Lena asked, stunned.

"Damn right." Allison said. "I figure this will lead to a lucrative divorce."


I liked the fact that Lena didn't even react to that comment!!

Thanks for sharing Parrish!!
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PostSat Nov 13, 2010 12:09 am
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Lisa4freedom

 

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LMAO! When I read the lines others had highlighted I laughed some more. I think the two guys next to me are wondering what the hell has me laughing.

I'm thinking a sequel for this upcoming Christmas would be fantastic *nods*. One can never have to much humor in life.
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PostFri Nov 19, 2010 3:46 am
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